Torn.

I've never been able to identify myself as an introvert or extrovert.
I always seem to find myself torn between introspection and wild adventure.

I can't decide which one I want and when I want it.

When I want to be introspective, I think:

"I must be missing out on something beautiful happening in the world."

and when I want to be a wild adventurer, I think:

"I could be learning and growing in some very important ways right now."

You might say:

"Why don't you just put the two together?"

If only my brain worked in the way where everything was one and I processed things easily and deeply while other things were happening and conversations were spinning and cars were driving and music was blaring and drinks were being passed around.

But it doesn't work like that and so I have to choose between the two and risk the idea of the other maybe never happening.
I don't want to miss out on life, but I don't want to miss out on myself.

As the new year approaches, I think I'm going to take a little time for both.
A little time to look back.
A little time to look forward.
And then a little time for the present, to wander and find something exciting to start the year with.

Slow Motion

I just found this poem that I wrote back in high school. I like it, so I'm sharing it.


Slow Motion

Another long day ends
With a rush to get home;
Slamming the car door
And running up the steps,

I stop.

What's that smell?
Warm air travels over my skin
And I breathe in
The sweet smell of summertime.

I pause.

The stars are glimmering and
The moon is bright.
It lights up the night
Full of life
And I surrender to the beauty.

I run.

The grass is cold under my bare feet;
The world is spinning
And the night embraces my
Small, pale figure.

I fall.

The grass becomes my pillow.
The trees shake with laughter.
The sky feels my contentment.

I glow.

How did I miss all of this?

Where do I belong?

This is the question that has plagued me for, well....most of my life.

Along with the cliche others:

What should I do with my life?
What am I passionate about?
How can I become a better person?

Blah, blah, blah.

Anyways, this question:

Where do I belong?

When I was younger, graduating high school and running off to Africa, I thought that's where I belonged.

Then I came home and was convinced I belonged in school, getting an "education" and learning how to help people in a better way.

Well then I got antsy and bored and thought, "There must be something I'm missing."

So I set off on a journey to the Pacific Northwest to take time by myself and with some very dear friends to try and figure out where I belonged.

And I fell in love with that area and with being surrounded by people who blessed my life in big ways.

Well, but then...for some reason, I thought I belonged in Costa Rica...and so I went. And I had some life-changing, eye-opening, heart spilling out kind of experiences.

But then I came back home again and thought:: "I'm going to go to culinary school." Maybe that's where I belong.

Well, here I am now. A year and a half later. Absolutely loving everything I am doing in my life. But still not feeling like I belong.

I don't know why I have always been so obsessed with this idea of having to belong somewhere. Or having to figure out "what I'm doing with my life." I have just never been a person to waste time. My parents and the people around me growing up really encouraged me that I could do anything I set my mind to do. That I could help people. That I could change the world. That I was meant for something big. I think that's why it's so important. Because I want to be that person.

C.S. Lewis says this:

"If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world."

I think more and more every day this is becoming real to me.

I used to always look for places to belong.

I would call myself a Missionary or a Chef.
I would define myself in some way, put myself in some box that was easy to explain to people.
I wanted to associate myself with a place or a vocation because it was easier. Because then I wouldn't get weird looks from people or exasperated sighs when I tried to explain what I've been doing for the past five years of my life.

I'm finally started to feel like I don't need to be defined anymore.

I don't need to belong, because I don't.
There's my answer.

Giving me.

"The saint is capable of loving others even in their sin. For what he sees in all things and in all men is the object of the divine compassion. The saint, then, seeks not his own glory, but the glory of God. And in order that God may be glorified in all things, the saint wishes himself to be nothing but a pure instrument of the divine will. He wants himself to be simply a window through which God's mercy shines on the world." -Thomas Merton

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

"People first, and things second."

"I'm talking about a person who loves himself as being someone who realizes that you can only give away what you have, and so you damned well better work at getting something. You want to be the most educated, the most brilliant, the most exciting, the most versatile, the most creative individual in the world, because then you can give it away; and the only reason you have anything is to give it away." -Leo F. Buscaglia

Words from other people.

I'm a big fan of them.

Lately, these are some of the words I've been thinking about.

It's the holiday season and everyone is talking about what they are thankful for and buying Christmas presents and setting up lights and trees and ornaments. 

I love this time of the year and I have this constant warm glow inside of me.

And I love all these things, they put a smile on my face.

But I also like to remind myself of what's really important.

Something I've been trying to focus on lately is this idea of giving myself.

Not just presents and candy and hugs.

But giving me.

How do I give more of myself to people?

How do I give more love?

How do I give more time?

How do I give more joy?

There are so many things to give.

It seems like a "universal law," or whatever you may like to call it, that what you give away only increases more in your life.

While this is no reason to give things away, it does make you wonder why we hold so tightly to what we have.

All growth involves risk and giving things away is risky. 

It's not so risky to give someone a Christmas card, but it is a little risky to ask them how their day is.

It's not so risky to buy a TV for your family, but it is a little risky to have a heart-to-heart with your son.

These are the things that matter though. What's left at the end of the day aren't the things we own or even the earth. They are the things invisible to the eye. Our souls, our hearts, our connections, our love, our minds, our thoughts. What are we doing with those things?

Human connection and giving of ourselves is much more complicated and messy and terrifying than giving gifts. It's a lot of work. It takes a lot of dedication and time and commitment. It means realizing that people are always more important. 

I just want to remember that what I'm giving, this season and all year round, is much more important than what I'm getting.

And I want is to be a window or instrument or dump truck of all the things good in my life, of all the things that have changed me and all the things I have. I want to give "me" and all the "me-ness" I possess and hopefully I'll get something back, maybe something much greater.