What I'm learning...

this week is that scars are important.

"In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing gift. If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others." --Brennan Manning

Lately, I've really been trying to simplify.

To get back to the basics.

To discover myself and forgive myself

without a bunch of junk in the way.

I'm finally taking the time to work through things that I've pushed under the rug for awhile.

Feelings I've had about myself, feelings I've had about others.

Pain from past situations and pain from how I feel about myself.

I'm learning that loving yourself is maybe one of the hardest things.

And that dealing with all those things that you have quietly ignored can really exhaust you.

But at the end of the day, I would rather be able to understand the darkness inside of me than to avoid it.

While I certainly always wish I didn't have to experience painful situations or have my heart broken or get hurt, it allows me to relate to others in a way that isn't possible without that pain.

At the moment, I'm healing on my own, but maybe I can share this healing with someone later.

I've been realizing how much anger and bitterness I've been feeling the past few years.

Emotions that never used to be a part of my vocabulary.

I think they've been important emotions to experience, but not a place that I want to stay in.

I can't keep holding onto the anger towards others and the anger towards myself for not being perfect.

I can't keep being bitter about things that are out of my control.

I can see now how deeply this has affected many of my relationships, friendships and feelings about who I am. 

At this point, there is nothing more I can do but move forward.

Not forgetting the scars and not trying to erase them.

But realizing that they will bring me to a better place.

They have made me a wiser, kinder, gentler human being.

They've allowed me to connect with others on a deeper level.

They remind me that I am not perfect and finally, I think that is okay.

I feel like I've been saying for the past few years, 

"This isn't me. This isn't normally how I act or what I think or how I feel." 

But I've come to terms that it was me.

It was not the "me" I wanted.

It was a hard kind of "me" to be.

It wasn't very pretty sometimes.

And I wasn't very happy with myself.

But it made me more "me" than I have ever been.

So, while this post may seem very vague,

I hope in some sense you can connect with it.

I just know now that the scars don't define me, but they've made me.

What I'm aiming for.

Resolution: A firm decision to do or not to do something.
Goal: The end toward which effort is directed.

I don't know why, but I have always disliked the whole "New Years Resolutions" thing.
Maybe because after a month, no one really remembers them or keeps them.

I guess I like goals more instead.
They are directed towards something.
It includes a process.
And like I've said before, I really like processes.


I have a really good feeling about this year.
A lot of exciting things will be happening.

I'll be graduating from Culinary school.
Potentially moving out.
Potentially moving all together.
I will probably be visiting many of my closest friends.
Seeing new sights.
I'll be working two jobs that I absolutely adore.
I'll be creating more art.

On top of all that, I'm hoping this year holds more things as well.

I'm hoping to meet more people
and to build on the friendships I already have.

I'm hoping that by the end of the year, I will be more myself than I am right now.

I'm hoping I will forgive myself.

I'm hoping I will be kinder to people.

I'm hoping I'll speak more Spanish.

I'm hoping I'll speak more, period.

I'm hoping I will be more aware of what's happening in the world.

I'm hoping I will begin taking steps again to make the world a better place.

I'm hoping I'll learn to stand up for myself
and in turn to stand up for others.

I'm hoping to read more books
and paint more pictures
and drink more coffee.

I'm hoping to love myself.

I'm hoping to find someone to love.

I'm hoping for more spontaneity and adventure
to go after life so hard that I don't forget for a second that I'm living.

I'm hoping to walk barefoot more often.
And to have a dinner party.
And to make meals for people, often.

I'm hoping to stop being so selfish.
To remember at all moments that other people are living stories.

I'm hoping to listen to more people's stories: the good, the bad, the ugly, the uncomfortable, the joyful.
Every story is important.

I'm hoping to do more things to surprise people.


Anyway, goals...I have them. Nothing exactly that I can just "quit," but I've decided it's going to be a process of becoming more myself.

I'm not going to get down on myself if I slip out of line.
It seems like with resolutions, once they are broken, people normally give up.
But not with goals.
With goals, it's just an obstacle, a stumbling block.

2013. It's going to be a good year.