Change.

Change hasn't been a stranger to me in the past year and a half, but sometimes...it's just really stinkin' hard.

Last year at Christmas, I really missed my family. I really missed being home and spending time with them. I missed laughing and being silly. And finally, it seemed to take forever but it got here. And I'm spending Christmas with them. And I am so very happy and thankful to be here with them. I appreciate and love them so much. It's almost a little overwhelming sometimes how much I care for them and want to be around them.

But Christmas was really hard for me this year. I knew that coming home from Africa I would never be the same. And I'm not. But sometimes it's hard how I've changed.

As we were unwrapping presents tonight, I wanted so badly to just be enjoying it, and enjoying the things I was getting. But it was almost so hard for me too. I just didn't feel like it was right. And I just don't like how attached I get to things. Or how badly I wanted everyone to like their gifts and how disappointed I felt in myself for not getting them the things I really wanted to. And I felt so small and helpless. Like everything was wrong and out of place. And I still do and it sucks and it's hard.

I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just want to enjoy this Christmas with my family so badly. Sigh.