Change.

Change hasn't been a stranger to me in the past year and a half, but sometimes...it's just really stinkin' hard.

Last year at Christmas, I really missed my family. I really missed being home and spending time with them. I missed laughing and being silly. And finally, it seemed to take forever but it got here. And I'm spending Christmas with them. And I am so very happy and thankful to be here with them. I appreciate and love them so much. It's almost a little overwhelming sometimes how much I care for them and want to be around them.

But Christmas was really hard for me this year. I knew that coming home from Africa I would never be the same. And I'm not. But sometimes it's hard how I've changed.

As we were unwrapping presents tonight, I wanted so badly to just be enjoying it, and enjoying the things I was getting. But it was almost so hard for me too. I just didn't feel like it was right. And I just don't like how attached I get to things. Or how badly I wanted everyone to like their gifts and how disappointed I felt in myself for not getting them the things I really wanted to. And I felt so small and helpless. Like everything was wrong and out of place. And I still do and it sucks and it's hard.

I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just want to enjoy this Christmas with my family so badly. Sigh.

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Philippians 1:21-24

I really love Paul's words here. I don't know. I read this tonight and for the first time it just struck me how much Paul loved Christ. I know that sounds a little silly, because if you've read the New Testament at all it's pretty obvious that he does. But I don't know, these words just really made it come alive for me. It's like this crazy battle for him, because he wants so badly to be with Jesus, but still wants to do what Jesus wants for him to do on Earth.

I find myself in this position so often, especially lately. It sounds so crazy, but lately part of me just wants to be off this planet and just with my Jesus. Not in like a "I hate life and want to get out of here" kind of way, but I guess the way Paul put it characterizes it completely. "To live is Christ and to die is gain."

Bunny trail: It's funny 'cause I remember reading that scripture a lot on T-shirts when I was little and for some reason whenever I read it I seem to think of those "Lord's Gym" t-shirts (which I think my brother has actually...).

I just want to love Jesus like Paul did. I mean I'm sure it wasn't all flowers and bunnies for him, but it just seemed like it was real. Yeah...

There was a time...

When I was in love with a man in a mask.
And we made jell-o pies.
And smiled at each other.

Those were the days.

Slacking.

Man, I have seriously been slacking on this whole blogging thing. Wishing I could remember more to actually do it.

I was reading Acts 4 again today.

"All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had. With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and much grace was upon them all. There were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned lands or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales and put it at the apostles' feet, and it was distributed to anyone as he had need. "

That's what I want man.
That's my heart.
I just wanna love people. Talk about Jesus. Not really own anything, but give all I got. Help others. Know people, really know them. Listen to people. Selflessness.

Isn't it beautiful?

If I could...

be anywhere in the world right now, this is where I would choose to be. I miss these kids so much. They have my heart so totally and completely.

Just decided.

I want to get some sidewalk chalk, lots of art supplies, some yummy food and a couple pairs of clothes and just jump in my car and go.

I want people to know what's going on in this world and I'm going to be a voice for the voiceless.

I want to love, to feel alive, not just getting by.

I want every moment to stand out. I want to breathe. To really breathe. To feel. To smile. To listen to music and melt.

I want to live with good friends and share food and laughter and never worry what our next step will be.

I want to trust God with all of I've got. Not just with the little things.

I want each part of my life to be genuine. I want to be filled with wonder and awe at every little thing that's placed in front of me.

I want to get out and experience something different, something challenging, something uncomfortable.

Mmmm.

Life.

I saw this book today.

The title was "Life is a Verb."

It was screaming at me (although I didn't buy it) but the title really threw me for a loop.

Do I really live life as a verb? Lately I've been feeling stuck inside this little shell called my house. I want so much to get out and do things, to get out of my comfort zone. But instead, I take the easy route and lay around in my pajamas all day, listen to ridiculous music, do my homework. Basically I just haven't been putting myself out there. I haven't been pursuing relationships, running free and wild, doing the things that really excite me. I haven't been getting a taste of the real world around me. Sometimes I have to pinch myself and make sure I'm alive.

WHAT AM I DOING?

Sigh. I need to get out.

Risk.

One word. Scares the hell out of me.

I've been realizing lately that I need more risk in my life. I need to take a step out into the unknown. I need to do things without the fear of what might go wrong.

I feel like so often I play it safe. I only do what is expected of me and I stay inside the lines. I'm not a "lines" kind of person though. At least I don't want to be. What does staying inside the lines get you anyhow? Possibly a perfect picture, but no imagination, no creativity, and nothing others haven't seen before or couldn't do themselves.

I want to be outside the lines, sparking creativity, getting lost in my imagination, opening people's eyes to what they are missing out on. And I want to take people with me outside the lines.

So I wonder, what's stopping me?

Laziness, distractions, fear?
Possibly all the above.

Well I've decided it's time to start overcoming those ridiculous obstacles and start creating change--one risk at a time.

This blog is my starting point. :)